Why Families Don't Change, Even When They Should

Families may continue destructive behaviors despite negative consequences due to a process called homeostasis. It leads to conflict, unhappiness, and causes problems to persist.

Each family has their own tolerable limit and will fight to maintain the emotional energy of the family within those bounds.

In short, the family will push each other to behave in the same way as they always have in order to create a predictable environment for themselves, known as a state of "equilibrium."

Roles that members of the family will often be "forced" to maintain are:

• The scapegoat or rebel
• The mediator
• The "good one"

During times of family tension, dysfunctional families might try to find a scapegoat. This person will be blamed for the tension in order to "unite together" against a common, internal enemy.

The scapegoat will be unfaurly targeted and seen as the problem, which then dissolves any family responsibility for solving the greater issue.

A mediator helps settle family disputes by understanding everyone's perspective and finding common ground, which can be overwhelming for one individual.

This person's role is to encourage everyone to reach a compromise and manage stress levels, but mediation alone can be a taxing and stressful task.

Like finding a scapegoat, the family might also point to the "good one" in the family. This is the person that the scapegoat will be compared against.

1. Defensiveness
2. Withdrawing
3. Triangulation
4. Lying
5. Resignation
6. Relentless arguing

To return to homeostasis, or the normal way of being for the family, there is often defensiveness. Defensive behavior limits the ability to see one's role in a situation or begin to consider how to change the pattern.

In order to remove oneself from a conversation or to work toward problem-solving, family members might withdraw from the conflict in order to get their way. Because there is so much tension, the other family members will "give up" and return to the status quo.

In order to push the family back to homeostasis, members of the family will form alliances with each other against whoever is threatening the status quo.

Family members might lie to each other or use family myths to get people to "behave" within the window of tolerance

Often, the process of trying to create change causes so much stress that people will resign themselves to the current dynamic.

Relentless arguing that never goes anywhere reduces the likelihood of change and increases the possibility that the family can return to their predicted dynamic.

Families can change their baseline way of functioning when members of the family choose to target and change any one of these roles or behaviors. However, the first person to do so will find that they become the scapegoat as they are seen as responsible for causing a "shake-up," even if the shake-up is for a good reason.

- Not all families can benefit from family therapy.

- Individual therapy helps understand the impact of family dysfunction.

- Strategies to protect oneself from family dysfunction can be learned.